Even the best dinners can end with a moment of embarrassment when the server brings the check. When should you split the bill at a restaurant? Like, whenever I see Taylor Swift and her friends out to dinner, which seems to happen a lot, I can’t help but think: Does she pick up the check every time? Do they ask for separate checks? Does it even matter?
In Italy, we say pagare alla romana—a.k.a. the “Roman way”—to describe splitting the cost equally. But in some cases, isn’t it better to have each person pay his or her share? Do I look like a cheapskate if I don’t offer to pay for the whole meal?
With so many questions, I talked about all this and more with Shubha Marta Rabolli, lecturer and vice president of the Italian Academy of Etiquette and the author of Etiquette for Teenagers. Read on for her advice.
When should you split the bill at a restaurant?
“First of all, it’s good to know that there is a general rule: The one who invites tends to pay, no matter whether they are a woman, a man, an elderly person or a young person,” says Rabolli. She adds that the guest should always be in “a privileged position.” So, whoever was invited to the dinner should get the best seat at the table, choose first what to order, etc.
That said, there are exemptions to this general rule…
Dining as a couple
Historically, among heterosexual couples it was believed that a man should pay every time. This is no longer the case, Rabolli says. Whoever asked the other person out should pay, regardless of gender. In short, the general rule always applies when it comes to dates.
Dining out with parents, grandparents, or other people more established than you
Typically—but not always—the older parties at a table are more established and better off financially. But does that mean they always pay? If you’ve invited your parents to dinner, is it better to pay for them…and do you let them pick up the check if/when they insist on it?
“This is one of those cases where the choice of who pays the bill is a matter of common sense,” says the etiquette expert. “If you were the one who invited everyone to dinner, but the older person wishes to pay the bill, it’s better to not resist. Let them out of politeness and respect.”
Dinner parties with a group
We could devote a whole other article just to group dinners because so many borderline situations can arise. The classic example is when someone at the table doesn’t drink but everyone else does…a lot. That can add up on a bill, and fast, and it’s not very fair to those who didn’t partake. So, what do you do? “Common sense is needed here too,” says Rabolli. “Those who drank should bear the cost of alcohol.”
